Reflections of Gratitude and Love

By Joe Lonergan, Illuman Ritual Elder

The past two years have been a journey for me with two types of cancer, prostate and oral. The first one a few years ago had me go through one week of intense radiation treatment. The second, oral cancer, was more intense, involving major reconstructive surgery of my jaw and then six months later after a recurrence, six and a half weeks of chemotherapy and radiation. I have always prided myself on keeping safe, eating healthy and maintaining activity and good sleep. So, needless to say, these cancers came as a shock.

During this time of liminal space, I have noticed different feelings come up within me. Certainly, fear of the unknown and a good look at the fragility of my human condition were among these feelings. But also, a deep sense of gratitude and love for the beauty of my life, the people I have been blessed to be a part of it, the experiences whether they were brief or extended, life-giving or traumatic and a real appreciation of the present moment, the only moment I have. I can honestly say that my life has been one of continuous conversion and evolution toward oneness with God, those I share this earth with (humans and creation in all its forms) and finding the movements toward this great dance of love. I can claim that I am not totally there and that is OK. I am where I am supposed to be.

Illuman (formally M.A.L.E.S.) and the wonderful men I have met therein has been truly a big part of my transformation. Making my MROP in 1998, I was at a crossroads in different aspects of my life. I was turning forty, addressing the wound of childhood sexual abuse for the first time, knowing that my first marriage was coming apart despite my efforts to prevent that, and making the transition by being employed to self-employed. The work that was created out of the vision of Fr. Richard Rohr and Steven Gambill started something new in me. So, when the invitation came to be a part of this work in 2002, I felt no hesitation. It was a work that I wanted to stay a part of not only for myself but in the hope of creating sacred space for other men to begin this transformative journey.

This work subsequently led me to the call to be certified as a spiritual director and what I have found in both this ministry and the ritual work I have been humbled to be involved with on the MROP’s is that my gift is to create sacred space for others to do their work. I have even noticed this in my love of cooking meals and gathering people around a table to connect more intimately. What I have discovered is that once space is created, I then become a witness to the movement of the Spirit in people’s lives. It is an honor and very humbling to be given such a glimpse of the love of God. So, in a way, I merely am being asked to be the table setter so that the work of the Master can play. And what joy there is in that. What love and mystery!

Learning how to die to so many things in my life over these past years has truly prepared me for this journey with cancer. I do not know what lies ahead but be reassured that all you men hold a very special place in my heart. I am forever touched by gratitude and love.

I have spent a lot of time with poetry during this time. I will leave you with this beautiful poem/prayer by Anne Hillman called “We Look with Uncertainty...” that I have sat with:

“We look with uncertainty

beyond the old choices for

clear cut answers

to a softer, more permeable aliveness

which is every moment

at the brink of death;

for something new is being born in us

if we let it.

We stand at a new doorway,

awaiting that which comes....

daring to be human creatures,

vulnerable to the beauty of existence.

Learning to love.”