Finding my True Self in Unexpected Places
By Josh Bateman
(MROP 2022 PNW; Initiator SoCal 2025 – Josh is currently a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Air Force Reserves)
Rucking along a country road in the forests of Fort Sill, Oklahoma during Basic Military Training wasn’t my first encounter with the Divine. It also wasn’t the cloud-parting, angelic-choir type of revelation. In fact, demonstrating His subtlety, the experience didn’t really strike me as profound; it seemed rather mundane and simple at the time.
To make sense of this, it’s important to understand that I wasn’t exactly sure WHY I was there, but I could easily trace the steps of HOW I got there. In my young adult life, I had already had experiences being immersed in something much larger than myself, something important in ways I couldn’t quite describe or even comprehend at the time from my limited point of view. I had already said “yes” to God many times before, especially at times when it required surrendering myself, those parts of me that had really felt like ME. So, I already knew what the voice of the Father sounded and felt like. Those experiences were necessary precursors so that when the unexpected call from Him came to join the military, I knew what was happening. However, that didn’t stop the kick-off of an internal debate that lasted for months.
“I don’t need to travel the world with the military. I’ve already had international experiences far beyond the vast majority of any others my age!”
But—
You will, and I will show you the world in ways you can’t even imagine.
“I don’t need their money for school. I have a good job that is very promising!”
But —
You do, and I will bring the things into your life that you don’t yet know you’ll need.
“I’ve got my life setup well. I don’t have time for these side adventures!”
But —
You do, and I have even better plans in store for you.
“I wouldn’t be good at that. I’m a scrawny kid who would be terrible at the physical demands of that lifestyle! I can’t do it!”
But —
You can, and I will show you how much you’re capable of and how you will excel.
“I would never ruin my life with the military.”
But —
You won’t, and I will give you a life you will be proud of.
I was determined to present all my logical, rational arguments as to why I shouldn’t join the military. I felt those arguments were solid and irrefutably strong. However, when the Spirit spoke, my brain proved no match to the calm assurances in my heart. And so with faith in the unknown, I upended my life plans to do this new thing I was being called into.
So, over a year later in Oklahoma, while walking with relative strangers in an unfamiliar location with a heavy backpack on, M-16 in hands, and misery in my body, I knew I was there for reasons that only the Wise Friend knew. I didn’t know when I would get to stop walking, but it didn’t matter because I knew I would. I didn’t know when or what I would get to eat, but I knew I would eventually and it would be enough to sustain me. I didn’t know when I’d get to sleep, but I knew that I would. As sadistic as the drill sergeants seemed to be at the time, I knew they would look after those physical needs. I didn’t know the details, but I didn’t need to worry about them either. Similarly, I didn’t know the details of the life God had in mind for me, but I knew He was looking out for me. I didn’t have to think or worry about things I couldn’t control. I could put my fears aside. And so trusting that ALL of my life’s needs were being taken care of, in my heart, finally, I could rest. I could just enjoy the journey!
I wish I could claim to have learned my lesson after that first time. However, the depth of that simple encounter with the One was lost on me at the time, but it introduced to me to something that I didn’t have the words to describe yet. And I’ve learned that it takes a lifetime of practice to integrate, because experiencing it just once isn’t enough.
As a Guardsman/Reservist, I’ve been able to live the majority of my life as a civilian, making my way through the world as I saw fit. However, it wasn’t long after that initial military training that I was soon called away to more trainings, exercises, and to play my small part in the vast drama of international conflicts. At somewhat regular intervals, I’ve been tasked to temporarily put aside the life that I was unintentionally messing up, despite my best efforts, to leave behind my family, friends, and civilian life for weeks or months at a time. Rarely, those came at opportune times; most were decidedly inconvenient.
Josh pictured above with his wife Diana and their son Jacobson, and his Council circle brothers
Usually at the time, my False Self was busy holding my life together, chasing promotions, degrees, and experiences in vain attempts to dodge old messages: I should be ashamed; I’m a disappointment; I don’t know what I’m talking about; I’m not meeting the expectations; I’m just not enough. These messages come especially easy when the marriage doesn’t feel stable, when I feel I’m failing as a father, a businessman, or a friend.
Blessedly, I had a built-in escape mechanism, not of my own making. These times of military service gave me space to reevaluate what I was doing and where my life was heading. Was I achieving the things I thought I needed? What did I actually need? Or want? Was I the person that I wanted to be? Was I happy?
The blessing of being able to step away, to set my life aside for just a bit, to set down my burdens, to just pause and breathe, is not something that I would have done willingly. It’s hard to be willing to ask questions when you think you already have the answers. It’s hard to be willing to take the time for such things when it feels there is no time to give. Having time built into my life to do exactly what I wasn’t prepared for (resting from my False Self) proved to be a lifesaver in many instances.
As I’ve gotten older and been more formally introduced to contemplation as a practice and lifestyle, I’ve recognized the benefits that I got from the past experiences in the military. I’ve also learned that I don’t need to be forced out of my regular life completely to gain those benefits either. Taking time each day, even for just a few minutes, to quiet my mind, lay down burdensome thoughts, accept the love of the Creator, rest in the arms of the Comforter, and FEEL that I’m enough: that’s something I can do, and willingly! Those experiences are priceless.
Practice has enabled my True Self to emerge more easily and readily from the overwhelming False Self burdens. My True Self is able to understand more clearly the trajectory of my life, to offer grace to others and myself as we’ve learned through mistakes and shortcomings.
Since that experience in Basic Military Training, the intervening decades of life and military service have been full of innumerable details of ups and downs, heartaches and triumphs, overwhelming noise and quiet gratitude. It hasn’t been easy, and yet, it’s been full of joy. And now, my True Self, a beloved son of God, knows that I’m loved, that I’m safe, and that I’m a light in the world.